For those who are unaware of the lovely Sarah Beeny, allow me to explain. Sarah, or Beeny as she prefers to be called (okay, I made that bit up) has hosted a plethora of DIY shows, typically revolving around someone being too lazy to finish their projects. The Beenster arrived, and in less than 30 minutes made it all good again. Of course, the actual projects took a lot longer than 30 minutes, and they had many on the go at once. This meant that she was ragged from pillar to post filming them.
Now, Beeny isn’t a bad looking sort – an opinion that her husband shared with the rest of mankind – and she inevitably fell pregnant. Because of the filming schedule, it meant that during each show she might appear in the early stages of pregnancy, then not pregnant at all, then heavily pregnant, and so on. If it has happened on one series, it might not have stuck in the memory. However, it seemed to happen in every series. She was often referred to as a one-woman continuity error. Still, we didn’t care, because she was so … well, Beenyish.
Back when I thought gardening might be a laugh, I did two things for fun. The first was to invent gardening comedian Paddy O’Furniture. The other was to design a range of gardening t-shirts. The Beeny graphic is based on one of those! Well, the t-shirts never sold, and the call from the RHS never came to offer Paddy his Chelsea Flower Show debut!
They say many a true word is spoken in jest. Following the flooding at Plot 9 last year, 2013 had to be a success. The new organised me was ready, and the other week I traipsed down to the field to collect a soil sample. The ground was pretty boggy, but I managed to collect a few samples and headed back home.
Once the soiled dried out, I ran a few tests. First I did the NPK tests.
Nitrogen? You know; that stuff that makes leaves grow, forms stems, and generally makes the world a better place? Well, we haven’t got any of that! This probably explains last year’s stunted growth and yellowing leaves.
Phosphorous? You know; that stuff that aids with seed germination and root growth, and which is important for root vegetables? Well, we haven’t got any of that! This probably explains the poor germination rates and miniscule carrots and parsnips.
Potassium? You know; the stuff that aids fruiting and builds resistance to diseases, and which is loved by spuds and fruit-bearing plants? Well, we haven’t got any of that! This probably explains the piss-poor performance of anything fruit-bearing.
Next I did a pH test. The soil is acid, but to be honest it’s so bereft of anything I don’t think the pH matters. It’ll only be worth considering when everything else is in place!
I mentioned recently that we’d acquired sole rights to a pile of horse plops that was as big as a bus. Sadly the weather has meant we can’t get vehicles in to collect it. Even if we could, it’s far too late to use it for this spring. Some of my plot will go no-dig, so it will use what I bring in. A large portion will be given over to winter squash, so I’ll just dig holes every metre and fill them with rich rotted manure. The rest will, I am afraid, may have to go the chemical(ish) route, for this year only.
I’m trying to find an alternative before ordering up Urea, Triple Superphosphate and Sulphate of Potash, but the clock is ticking…